To be found you must first be lost

I have turned into a bit of a chronic jogger which for me is a good thing in most ways. When I am running my mind wanders and I can think but instead of just thinking and worrying and letting myself get anxious about everything going on in my life - jogging helps me to clearly think about things and be sensible and realistic. Yesterday I had the pleasure of going for a jog when it was raining and truth be told, i don't know the last time i felt so refreshed and at ease with my thoughts. My friend called me as I was running and I answered. He asked what i was doing. I said jogging. He said Ash, you know there is a rain storm warning in effect right? I said Oh.Fuck. , hung up and continued on with my jog. Sometimes risking everything for a moment of clarity is worth it all.

I have been taking a lot of time to think about how lucky I am and how even though I have my down days and sometimes I think that things arent going to look up but I have been really focusing on seeing the beauty i hold. I never realized how much of my independence I lost of myself coming out of my last relationship until recently i backtracked my recent 'dating' history.. Wow, somehow I used to be a woman who would not return calls, would never text, would never ask anyone to do things-always waited for men to ask and even then would rarely say yes, I had so much power - being this seductress who always had men on the tips of my heels and was always messing with their heads. I didnt do this to be cruel I just never really took notice that I was actually doing this.

Then all of a sudden I got into a relationship where first it built me up, and then boom slowly without my notice he took away my independence. Not until recently have i noticed just how low he pushed me down - how he never supported me, always told me things i was doing wrong, pushing me to look a certain way, to act a certain way, to hang out with certain people. When i think back to my relationship i don't remeber ever feeling worthy of being with him and i remeber always after a night of hanging out together would i leave feeling useless, unworthy, and that there was soemthing sincerely wrong with me.

No wonder I have been clinging onto any man that provides me attention.. but slowly i have been realizing what has happened to me and i am fighting back for my indpendence. Never again will i let a man make me feel worthy of anything less than the best. Never again will i settle. Somehow I let myself be a victim - but never again. I am finding my inner strength, my indpendence, and my power. It will not be easy. It has not been easy. But at one point in time, i had it and I am damn well taking it back.